Raven, king of commedy
by hells assasin
Summary: Dont you hate it when nobody takes you seriously? Raven thinks so too...
1. Dart and watermelons

Hello people here! This is my first FE fic ( first ever fic actually) and... uh yeah.

Purple pikmin: And no doubt it sucks

Well, it's a humour fic, so it's not THAT bad i suppose

Purple pikmin: I bet it is

Just get on with it!

Purple pikmin: Oh yeah! The discalimer, how could I forget...  
Hell's assassin does not own FE and does not really want to either...

And on with the story!

Chapter one: Dart and the melon ( Has nothing much to do with melons or Dart)

" Raven, is your Guitar ready yet, because wer'e on after Matthew" Called Jaffar, from back stage  
" Yeah, you really need to get ready because you're not even changed yet. By the way, where is Matthew? I havent seen him today" Sain Queried  
" Well, If he doesnt come soon, then somebody will have to stand in for him" Said Lyn, the main singer of " The blood-stained swords  
Raven secretly prayed that matthew turned up. The reason why? He alsways gets picked on when it comes to stand-ins. Raven heard the pegasus sisters finish their Pegasi tricks.  
" Ok," Called Hector, the host of the talent show " we now bring you... Matthew, king of commedy!" The crowed roared.  
"Matthew, king of commedy! Ahem, where is Matthew?" Hector called to everybody backstage. The band members shrugged.  
" Well somebody stand in for matthew!" Hector hissed. Sain pushed raven forwards.  
" Well done for volunteering Raven!" Hector gave him a pat on the back, which almost knocked raven over. Raven Smiled sarcastically. Then, hearing the queries of the audience, Hector ran out to the stage.  
" Ahem. We will have Matthew, king of commedy after a short interval" A little jazzy music played as everybody filed out of the hall.  
" Right, where is matthew's costume?" Called Lyn " We need to get raven ready before the end of the interval"  
" Oh, whoopee, lets go chums" Said raven as sarcastically as possible. " You KNOW i cannot make people laugh, you know I suck at everything anything to do with commedy! Why are you making me do this! " Groaned raven. He could of swore that sain smirked at him.  
" Oh quit your moaning, and go find matthews costume." Sighed lyn.  
" No. I refuse" Said raven, sitting down on a nearby chair.  
" Somebody go and get priscilla. If anybody can convince him, then it's her." Sighed Lyn.  
" I'll go" Said jaffar brightly, but still in his deep tone of voice. " I know where she'll be, with Nino" He ran off. Lyn giggled.  
" He tries so hard to cover up his love for Nino, but it is so blatently obvious." Giggled lyn again  
" Well said" Muttered Hector, grumpy about the performance

About two minutes later, Jaffar re-appeared with Nino and Priscilla.  
" Um, you didnt need to bring Nino" Giggled Lyn, failing to stifle her laughs. Jaffar blushed and shot evils at Lyn.  
" She WILL stay" Hissed Jaffar. Lyn found this so funny that she excused herself and ran off. Seconds later roarous laughter filled the back stage.  
"Annnyway," Started Hector " Priscilla, you know what you are doing?  
" Um... yes" She went up to Raven, who was sulking in the corner. " Raven, you can do this. I belive in you" Soothed Priscilla  
" What would you know! You dont know how much people hate my jokes, to them, I am just a stone figure that fights battles, I dont HAVE a personality to them. Iam just a fighter, and band member who nobody has feelings for." Raven was close to tears, but they never came. Lucius, who was sorting out the lights with Erk heard all this and felt sorry for Raven. Being his best friend, he had to do something. But that would come later.  
" Steady, Erk" He called  
" Oh no, I'm slippping!" Cried Erk hanging upside-down from the iron stage above the stage  
" Heath!" Screamed Hector! " Get ya bum here now!  
" Yes, coming, coming..." Came the reply of heath, who was the security advisor. He gave a whistle, and Hyperion tried to come through the door.  
" Wrong way, Boy" Heath said to hyperion. The dragon nodded and went outside. 10 seconds later, an almighty crash was heard as a dragon shape appeared through the door frame  
" Aint he great" Sighed heath, holding back a tear. Hector sighed. " Oh, right, Erk. Gotcha" Heath jumped on Hyperions back and flew up to the top of the tall hall. " Hello, Erk, Whatchya doin in this awkward position?" Heath asked  
"... Help..." Erk managed to whimper." Tut tut tut... .thats not good" Heath shook his head.  
" HEATH!" Roared hector  
" Oh yeah! Right. Here ya go, little dude" Said Heath, holding out a rope. " Grab on" Erk Managed to do this only just. Heath hauled him up onto Hyperion, and flew him down.  
" Here you go" Said Heath, setting Erk down. " Well, i'll be off then" Heath quickly flew through the newly made wyvern-shaped door. Screams could be heard through the door.  
" Hey, that was my burger!" Said an angry Bartre  
Hector sighed.  
Erk started to speak " Man, you have no idea how many times I casted elfire to make that torch light

Raven looked stupid. He was wearing a black tuxedo, which lookd really silly with his red hair. How Priscilla had convinced him to this, he did not know.  
" Well, if you dont get any laughs from the jokes, you will from the costume" Chortled Sain. Raven shot him evils. He then heard hector.  
" We now present you... Raven king of commedy! Silence. Hector briskly walked behind the curtain and pushed Raven out.  
" Um... Hi?" Said Raven meekly. He heard a dragon snort. Heath kicked hyperion at the back of the hall. Raven sighed. _"Like boy and his dog"_ he thought.  
" Um... knock knock"  
" Who's there" crowed the audience  
" Boo"  
" Boo who"  
" No need to cry, it's just a joke" Said a meek Raven  
" Boooooooooooooooooooo!" He heard a shout  
" Get off the stage!" Said another voice  
" Take that!'' Raven narrowly missed a tomato  
" And that!" He ducked an egg. Raven was getting pelted by food. Then he got hit by a huge watermelon. He wiped it off and saw Dart, dorcas and Bartre laughing. He then got hit by an extremely painful wine bottle that smashed on impact with his face. He stumbled, and fell forwards off the stage.  
" Whoops" Sniggered Legault  
" Alright, out the way" called Heath " If not, Hyperion here can help" Hyperion growled. Heath was followed by Fiora and Florina with stretcher between their pegasi. Heath jumped off Hyperion and picked up raven in his strong arms. Heath looked at Florina briefly, but Florina sank back into her saddle. Fiora groaned. Heath looked up at Florina as he put Raven on the stretcher, before jumping onto Hyperion and again, plowing through the hoardes of people, followed by the pegasi knights. Florina was still feeling a bit coy about heath, although he didnt seem to hear her uncomfort. Hector roared at the audience  
" Please take another short break while we sort this out. He ran back stage, as Heath escorted the pegasi knights out.  
" nothing to see here, nothing to see.." Heath muttered.

END CHAPTER

Purple pikmin: What the HELL was that?

Uh... the first chapter of my story

Purple pikmin: Well it sucked

Shut it, fat ass. R&R please!

Purple pikmin: Pah! Like _you _would get any reviews! And haul your'e ass up and update!

Hey! I've only just posted the first chapter!. Ok, please, just review


	2. The band plays

Hi people... My second chapter of my FE fic.

Purple pikmin: HA! You only got one review!

Yeah, but I only put up the chapter half an hour ago

Heath: Thanks for reviewing anyway , Thorn willowfly!

**REVIEWS**

pretty funny and creative. I never read a fire emblem fan fic bout a talent show. I applaud you're creativity. - Keep up the good work!

xX Thorn Willofly xX

Crypt zombie: Brainssssssssssssssssssssssssss...

Jaffar: locked in cupboard

Matthew: Hey, this story actually got a review, you gotta give Hells assassin credit for it! Tries to steal doccument

Annnnnnnnnnnyway, The disclaimer

Purple pikmin: Yay! Um, hells assassin does not own FE or money making things. He lives in a box.

Um, yes, sarcasm I live in a box. On with the story!

**Chapter 2: The band**

As the interval went on, Matthew arrived through the back doors.

" Hey people, what did I miss? Am I late?" He said, out of breath

" Yes, actually. You missed raven taking up your act, and getting knocked out with food from his crud jokes, and yes, you are also very very late" Said hector through gritted teeth

" Oh..." Sorry about that... I was... visiting Leila's grave" He had a look of sorrow on his face.

" Oh..." Hectors face softened

" Wer'e sorry Matthew" Said Lyn in a soft voice

" Anyway, could we get on with this?" Asked Hector  
" Oh yeah. Right" Said Matthew brightening

" So, as Raven has been knocked out, can you play a guitar?

" Uh... I used to" Said Matthew

" Great! So I take it you can play bass guitar, right?" Asked Hector

" Well... sort of... " Said Matthew

" Well, get up and find the guitar, and warm up with the rest of the band" Said Hector, Eager to get on.

" But-" Matthew was cut off

" Go!" Hector pointed to the guitar resting on a chair. Hector went out and down into the hall area, where litter was left everywhere. " Well, I guess that's what happens when you host a party at your house... or in this case castle." He heard a call from backstage.

" We're ready now, hector!" Shouted Lyn

" Ok, I'll get the people ready"

When everybody was in thier seats, The spotlights were shone on the stage

" Steady now, Erk..." Whispered Lucius to him

" Right, right" Erk whispered back

" Tonight, we present you our Grand Finale, The Blood-stained Swords! " Hector roared. The audience screamed with Rabid fangirls. There were random screms of

" I love you Sainy!" and

"Jaffar! Pick me! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!" Of course they took no notice ( the band members) and just carried on.

" Ok, we have a special song for all you men aout there. Of course, not a floor show, but let us commence! " The men gave dissapointed groans at the last bit.

"Mary belongs to the words of a song.  
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.  
But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.  
Why did I say all those things before, I was sure? 

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,  
(She is the one), and I have to fight this,  
(she is the one), the villain I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,  
and every bone I break, it's all for you.  
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,  
still I will always fight on for you. 

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,  
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her.  
Everything's small on the ground below, down below.  
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,   
(she is the one), and I will be haunted,  
(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.

I see your face with every punch I take,  
and every bone I break, it's all for you.  
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,  
Still I will always fight on for you.

I see your face with every punch I take,  
and every bone I break, it's all for you.  
And my worst pains are words I cannot say.  
Still I will always fight on for you.  
Fight on for you...  
Fight on for you..." Sain, Lyn and Jaffar trailed off the last word. The crowd whooped and cheered. The rabid fangirls had moslty fainted but some were actually climbing on the stage. Of course, they were taken ( well more kicked off) by Wallace and Oswin, the security.

"We have one last song for you people out there! It's one of our favourites and we hope you like it too" Shouted sain " Cue music"

Oh you're so filthy  
And I am gorgeous

When you're walkin' down the street  
And a man tries to get your business  
And the people that you meet  
Want to open you up like Christmas  
You gotta wrap your fuzzy with a big red bow  
Ain't no sum bitch gonna treat me like a ho  
I'm a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess

"Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (gorgeous)  
Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (gorgeous)  
You're disgusting  
Oooh, and you're nasty  
And you can grab me  
Oooh cuz you're nasty

When you're runnin' from a trick  
And you trip on a hit of acid  
You gotta work for the man  
But your biggest moneymakers' flaccid  
You gotta keep your shit together  
With your feet on the ground  
There ain't no one gonna listen  
If you haven't made a sound  
You're an acid junkie college flunky dirty puppy daddy bastard

Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (gorgeous)  
Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (gorgeous)  
You're disgusting  
Oooh, and you're nasty  
And you can grab me  
Oooh cuz you're nasty

Cuz you're filthy (so filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (oooh gorgeous)  
Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (oooh you're so gorgeous)  
You're disgusting (oh yeah)  
And you're nasty (you make me feel so nasty)  
You can grab me (grab it)  
Oooh cause you're nasty

Filthy  
Gorgeous  
Oh you're so gorgeous

Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (gorgeous)  
Cuz you're filthy (filthy)  
Oooh, and I'm gorgeous (gorgeous)  
You're disgusting  
Oooh, and you're nasty  
And you can grab me  
Oooh cuz you're nasty" The band members trailed off.

"Thankyou, thankyou" Sain Shouted. He bowed, and Shouted " And i'm still single!" Going back stage, waving with the others.  
" Thankyou people, the show is now coming to a close" Shouted Hector as He walked out onto the stage. " Please procceed to the Dining hall" Everybody filed out of the hall at this moment to the banquet. Hector went backstage.  
" You were killin' em out there, you were amazing!" He congratualted them.  
" Thanks Hector. Uh, i'm really tired from all the travelling I had to do today, so Mind if I crash here tonight?" Matthew asked.  
" Sure!" said a really happy Hector " Everbody had to travel so far to get here that they're gonna be staying here for a few nights"  
" Great!" Said A gleeful matthew  
" So, you will be sharing rooms with... Let's see... Um... Jaffar,...Heath,... and Raven.  
" Ok, nice mix of people to mingle with. So I'll go camp, if that's ok" With that, Matthew ran off.  
" What an ass..." sniggered Sain. "He has no idea how long it will take him to find his room. You should of told him, Hector."  
" Yeah, but then what kind of boring old slog would I be?"  
The band members burst out laughing.  
" By the way, what's a slog? " Added Guy, the drum player.

CHAPTER END

Purple Pikmin: What was that? That was worse than the last chapter!  
White Pikmin: Pleading for help  
Purple pikmin: Yah, shaddup you!  
Yes... right. I quite liked this chapter, it was very...modernised. But anyway, how do you like?  
Purple pikmin: It's rubbish, i'm telling you.  
Heath: Note that **_I_** wasnt in it  
Jaffar: Still in cupboard  
Matthew: You made me get lost in castle Ostia! You cruel evil person!  
Yeah well, it was Hectors idea.  
Hector: In a chair in the corner What?  
Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway, R&R please! With that, i bid you Adios!

Hells assassin


End file.
